13 - easy

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death. I don't really even remember how many years it's been. I'm guessing three. I still don't think I remember the last time I saw him. Even after his death I still made jokes at his expense. He can't change what's happened now, so I don't know why I would still say negative things about him. It's not really fair.

I like to think that people are inherently good. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. I usually see that there is a reason someone did something negative. Those reasons usually make sense to me. Ted wasn't my biological father, but he was there for my early years. It's hard to look back on any of it because it's been so long. Everything feels distorted.

It used to be my "job" to keep track of the excuses he gave to not come and see us. I think I was designed to dislike him, not that it was anyone's fault. It would be hard for me to be pleasant with an ex or to be pleasant about someone's ex. It would be hard for me to go see one too. I don't know if I did enough sometimes.

Either way, no matter what happened... I know it boils down to the present. All of life is perception. Who knows if things could have gotten better. Who knows if they were better or worse than what I remember them. Though the more I talk about it the more I remember things like getting called on May 5th for my birthday.

I can't say that I'm upset about not having a stable father figure. I like who I am and all of these experiences have molded me to be that person. Maybe I'd be a bit harder, straight forward, or goal oriented...who knows? Who knows if that would even be a good thing? I think it's taken me a while longer than it could have, but I think I'm getting to the place that I want to be. I'm still very happy in each moment.

So it all boils down to the present. I want to say that I can forgive him for not showing up more often. I want to say that I can let it go. I want to believe it. I just don't really even know who he is. I don't think there was a single picture of me at the funeral home. He had a new family. I'm not sure if I was ever really a part of it, my own fault included. There was one picture there where I know that I was in the house doing something else instead.

I've lost the moment. I think I know why I've put this off for so long. The day I found out that he died I still went in to work. I didn't cry for over a week. I'm not sure if that's entirely his fault. I don't think I'm good with death. I have a strange personality. I can focus on the present a great deal. That has it's downsides, of course, if I'm upset.

I'm rambling. I'm putting off the topic.

I meant to go to the grave site. I was thinking of it earlier. It would be so strange.

I think I can let go and forgive. I just wish he had made it a little easier.

He always seemed like an example of what not to do. I don't drink alcohol as a way of being better than him. Well, him and Mike. I would never swear as a way of being smarter than Mike. That's a whole different topic though...or at least a different chapter.

I don't want this to turn negative, at least not any more negative. What would he have said if I asked why he wasn't around? I still feel partially at fault myself, to be honest.

I guess if I'm to blame too I could just forgive him as a way of releasing my guilt too. Normally that would be a cop out, cheap, and slightly unfair. I think it's necessary this time though. He should be proud to know that he had a big hand in making me the person I am today. Through all his faults, through all his actions and inactions, he helped mold me.

I'm so sorry. I hope you are too. I can truly say that I forgive you. I'm sorry it took so long, but hopefully you understand.